i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm like, not good at living.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
