oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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