do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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