god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
