If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My breasts were aching with rage.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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