i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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