I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You pole danced in your parka.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
