Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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