I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
