I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
