Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
