Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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