Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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