i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
