before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
