Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
