I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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