So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
