I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
