My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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