the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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