There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
