i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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