I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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