I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
