please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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