I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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