so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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