Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
