literally had 100 drinks last night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
