Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
