You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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