Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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