Don't you send me to vm
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
