I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think my moral compass just broke
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
