Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
