life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
