Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize