I think I died a long time ago.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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