how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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