You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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