Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
