I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
