How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
