I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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