i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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