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I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
