Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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