Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
