those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
