sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
