You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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