i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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