Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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