what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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