Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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