You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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